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I Can’t Because I Might May 14, 2010

Posted by icelikediamonds in Uncategorized.

Do I miss him? Yes. But that’s not the question. I can’t talk to him, I just can’t. I can’t talk to him because everything I’ve ever felt for him, it will all come back. He just wants to talk. Isn’t that part of the problem? I will just end up wanting more, like always. I kept my facebook page open even after I had finished updating my status and posting on the pages of my friends. Honestly, because part of me was waiting for him to see it and message me (not that he couldn’t see me online in his MSN contact list). And that’s why I can’t talk to him. It’s also why I can’t go to C’s birthday party on Saturday. H and D invited me along, and I know C would probably be happy to see me there. . . L also asked me to go to the party, just to “hang out” but somewhere inside of me knows he has a deeper intention. Perhaps I’m just being suspicious, but my “he’s interested” receptors are alert. I’m not interested. I am shut down. Which is another reason that I shouldn’t attend the party – I will be tempted to use alcohol as an excuse to use this person in attempts to cause a reaction from another certain person who will be in attendance. I’m not the type to play with people like that. I would be furious if someone were to use me that way (or at all), and I’m a firm believer in the “Do unto others. .” adage.

There won’t be any cameras, and no viewers or fans upon whom my existance relies upon, so I don’t need to exploit the melodramatic soap opera that is my life. Granted, my “Roger” has made no indication of wanting a romantic reconciliation, which I suppose is for the better, since that way I don’t have to tear myself up about it. I guess that’s the problem. Part of me still wants it (even if that part is shackled, bound, gagged, and skewered by the other parts of me). How can even a morsel of me still remain that still-  after everything I’ve been through?

I thought I was successful for a while. I thought I killed you. But there was no stake through your heart, only through mine.



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